Friday, April 01, 2011

Mother to Mother

As I grow into my role as a mom I am often reflecting on what my own mom might have said to me. When Ariel does something naughty, would she laugh and say 'payback!' When Xander smiles his coy grin, would she hug him and say 'I see you in that look'. When Ken and I celebrate our 10th anniversary this summer would she smile and say 'I knew the moment I saw him he was the man you would marry.' Honestly, I just wish sometimes I would hear something rather than the empty silence that follows my thoughts.


11 years seems like forever, and yet its truly only a small fragment of time. Moments fleeting and changing as the world around us moves on. My heart still aches for a person that can't be replaced. Daughters need their mothers... and this scared child is still looking for her hand in the night. When I watch my children sleep my greatest fear is not being there for them one day.

I am jealous of those with a mom... those that can call or stop in for visits at any time. Those moms that come help with a newborn baby, that give advice no matter if you asked for it or not and that prepare you for what is ahead that you don't see coming. I have lots of friends in my life who are walking the same road as me... I am blessed to have them and as much as they say 'I am helping them,' they are really helping me.

My mom struggled for many years with health issues. It was hard to understand, watch and help. I remember when my mom got her scooter. It was a life changing moment for her and for us. We had to learn to pack it into the car, those batteries were a workout for sure. I never did understand how much it changed her until I got to see this article. When Pastor Dave was packing up his office he came across it and gave me a copy to have. I vaguely remember this and I am happy to have it. I felt the timing couldn't be more perfect as its the time when I think the most about her and yet I feel like it gave me a lot to think about as a mom and caring for my family.... and the day when I can't do that anymore.

The Road of Life - 'From my scooter'
By Vickie Worth

Come along with me as I motor along in my new life aboard my scooter! Christ has revealed many truths as I follow his map for my life.

My life has always been one of organization, involvement, strength and the desire to care for others through Christ's love. There wasn't a challenge too hard or a job too big that I didn't feel I could take on.

One day two years ago, I became ill and I didn't get better. I felt as if my life had ended. No more running from job to job; I was bedridden. Unable to care for others, I felt so useless and empty.

The Lord came alongside and cared for me and told me 'It's time to be still.' 'But, I want to be well Lord, I have much to do.' He patiently reminded me there was much to learn. 'Learn?' I said. 'Yes, about yourself!' 'I will be fine if you just get me out of this bed so I can start caring for others again.' 'Vickie, today is the beginning of a new life for you, it will be painful but I am right here beside you.' 'Lord, I liked my life the way it was.' 'Sometimes, we don't get to choose, are you willing to trust me?' 'Yes Lord.'

'First, we will start with the anger in your heart. Aren't you running from your disability from the polio? You know, you don't always have to be strong for everyone, start treating yourself with some care and love.' 'Lord, thank you for helping me face those truths.' 'I want you to relax in my arms so I can heal that anger.' 'Thank you for the peace you give me Lord.'

'Next, how about your pride? Let others car for you as you have cared for them.' 'Lord, that's too painful and emotional to let people come so close right now when I'm not in control.' 'Yes, but you're not in control - I am, so let me bring those who need to draw near.'

'Lord, sometimes I get so tired of having to ask for help, even to go outside or to go shopping?' 'Well, why don't you get a scooter?' 'Those are for people who need them and are disabled.' 'A little denial perhaps or pride?'

'Would you look at me Lord, I'm free. Such fun and such a view as I motor along and see your creations all around me. The fresh air feels so good, I feel good and for the first time, I feel me!'

'Thank you Lord for my new life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'm trusting you. Oh, by the way, watch your toes, this thing really moves!'

'Me, mom and the famous scooter'

So it was a gift to have that... I will put it with the few things I hold on to now that were pieces of her. As Ariel grows each year she is asking more and more about the wonderful woman she never met... or has she? Ariel is CONVINCED she met her... to the point where she was crying that I didn't believe her. I kept saying, 'do you mean Nana?' 'No no no...don't you remember mommy, Grandma Vickie loved me and I loved her... I miss her.' I couldn't say more after that, if she truly believed that they met, then I believe it too. Who am I to say... I remember my dream of Nana holding Xander before he was born, so perhaps my Mom and Ariel had a moment like that too... either way, I hope it stays with her...

Together as a family we all journeyed to deliver her annual white roses. Xander raced along the path with his gift... I see her in his eyes. I am so thankful for my sweet boy.

Ariel drew a card for her, of course with the famous eagle...


...and a picture of Grandma Vickie with a rainbow. 'God's promise' Ariel is always quick to tell me.


Guess who was also hanging around as usual... the eagle himself.


In closing I wanted to share this picture... it is why the white roses are so much a part of who she was. Her wedding bouquet was to be of full white roses, but sadly they were tightly closed and sorta green. Auntie Fran worked hard to make them open up and they did look better than they did, but it began the on going joke of getting her some for her birthday that were always full and white.



When the kids and I stopped into a floral shop to pick out our roses, I let Ariel pick them out. The fellow brought out a bunch of tight closed roses that had a green hint to them and some beautiful full ones that were bright white... she chose the 'slightly green ones'... I think my Mom would have laughed.

I love you Mom... always,

Jay

5 comments:

kelly ens said...

Jay, this is so beautiful. Your honesty about being jealous of those who have moms to help out with newborns, etc; the story your mom wrote; the pictures of the scooter and roses; Ariel's insistence on having met her and loving each other. an excellent tribute to your mom. I am so sorry that this day comes for you every year; thankful for the promise that you will see her again some day, but for the time in between, may God fill you with strength and peace.

Kim said...

I agree, this is beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you today!

Pat Mackesy said...

Oh Janet... what a beautiful way to honour her... you carry her grace and joy of life in ways you probably are not aware of. Michelle and I had a good long hug and shared some tears tonight... thanks!!

Kristin said...

What a lovely post for your mom Jay.
Thinking of you and sending ((hugs))

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