Thursday, April 01, 2010


Project 365 - Day 91

White roses for my Mommy.... I miss you.


Vickie Lynn Worth

Today marks 10 years since we lost you Mom. Doesn't feel like its been that long, and yet when I look around and see the changes in our lives it hits me. We brought you some white roses this morning, I explained to Ariel how you loved them and they were your wedding flowers. When she is older I will tell her how they weren't right on that big day and ever since you were always given beautiful ones for special occasions. Its always a challenge to find some for you at this time a year, and yet we always manage.

As we drove to the cemetery Ariel said she wished you could visit from heaven so she could meet you. Its hard not to cry when a child says such things. I know how much you would love her, not to mention her favorite color is blue, haha. I always laugh when she says it since it was such a you thing. Then there is Xander, the newest member of the family and yet the one who I look at and see you the most. His blue eyes just calm me and are such a reminder of you. I feel bad these kids won't get to experience your love, grace and strength in their lifetime. Of course they grow in your memory, but its different. I try so hard to live up to how you were with me... I hope its enough.

I wish they were posing with you on your knee, not your grave. It makes me cry I can't share them with you. Perhaps with Nana gone now too its just hitting me again how hard death is. Heaven seems so far away, or as Ariel says 'way up in the sky'. Ariel has been learning about Jesus at school and church and was chatting how you are with Jesus. I love her knowing that, even if its still confusing to a 3 year old mind.

Stella and Kara came up with me to day to see you. Its our first visit without Nana with us. I'll be honest, it sucks. I could always be strong for Nana, but now I feel vulnerable. I kept up a brave face but upon coming home after lunch I broke. Mainly because the memorial announcement I wanted in the paper got messed up. I know it doesn't matter to you, but it did to me. I try and pick up the pieces that Nana left and I can't. I couldn't even get this in the paper right. Ken says it isn't my fault, especially when they have the wrong 'email' listed for the classified section on both the website and newspaper... but the one thing I wanted to do right I get wrong. Ugh. So I cried... I waited till I got off the phone of course, but I cried hard. Ugh. So your 'remembrance' picture and note is going to be in the Wednesday paper instead of Saturday. Not much I can do now, but still its going to bug me for a long time I think.

*They just called and they aren't charging me because of their mistake, I must say its a very sweet gesture in following such an error. I can forgive them, and I guess I can let it go too. They thought you were my sister... they can't believe you were my mom because you were so young. I can't believe it either.*

Easter is this Sunday, thus meaning Good Friday is tomorrow. I know its going to be a hard day. Usually we have a week or so between this day and that but not this year. It really makes Easter an emotional day, and yet has brought a new level of faith into my heart.

10 years... and yet the number will continue to grow as the years go by. I read the I love you forever book to Xander the other day... I think the final words in the book sum it up pretty well....

"I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be."

Love Jay


Aimee said...

My heart just breaks for you. Although I have not lost my mom, I know what its like to lose someone you are so very close to and no words really help the pain, so I will just say I am here for you my friend and I pray God draws you close to him especially today. Hugs and love sent to you from my family to yours.

SarahRachel said...

Lots of tears reading this. What a beautiful pic of the kid. I know it's not much comfort sometimes, but someday (a long time from now) your mom is going to throw an awesome "welcome to heaven" party for her sweet grandkids. Lots of love and prayers, friend.

kelly ens said...

beautifully written, Jay. it must be so hard not to have your mom and kids know each other until you're all in heaven together!
praying for God's presence and comfort over you!

Kristin said...

((hugs)) Jay. This is a great post to honor your mom.
It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job remembering you mom and passing those memories on to your kids.

Rebecca R said...

Jay, such a beautiful post. Sadly, I can completely understand what you are going though, my mum passed at the age of 47, 15 years ago, I was 24. It doesn't get any easier - I feel sad that my children cannot know their grandma too. That is the hardest thing I think x Love to you x

sleeplessnights04 said...

That was so sad and truly touching all at once (you made me cry); my dad passed away when I was fifteen :o( There are no words to ever explain how you feel about these sort of things you know. And it never helps to say I know how you feel, in the end no one ever knows how that person deals with the loss of a parent. My dad has missed out on so many things :o( Thank you for allowing me to remember my dad today, its been a while :o)HUGS

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...